41. When Meeting the Parents Goes Really Badly

Parshah Pinchas

*Important attribution note: All quotes listed in this article are credited to the Artscroll Stone Edition Chumash. Here is an Extremely Clear Citation so I don’t get in trouble: Nosson Scherman, Hersh Goldwurm, Avie Gold, & Meir Zlotowitz. (2015). The Chumash: the Torah, Haftaros and Five Megillos. Mesorah Publications, Ltd.

Numbers 25: 15-18*

“The name of the slain Israelite man who was slain with the Midianite woman was Zimri son of Salu, leader of a father’s house of the Simeonites. And the name of the slain Midianite woman was Cozbi daughter of Zur, who was head of the peoples of a father’s house in Midian. 

Hashem spoke to Moses, saying: ‘Harass the Midianites and smite them; for they harassed you through their conspiracy that they conspired against you in the matter of Peor, and in the matter of Cozbi, daughter of a leader of Midian, their sister.’”

Let’s make sure we understand what really happened in this passage. An Israelite man fancied a Midianite woman. He liked her so much, in fact, that he decided to introduce her to his people, whereupon his people stabbed them both in the stomach. As a punishment, Moses ordered the Isrealites to harass the entire Midianite nation. 

A commonly cited justification for these murders was enticement to idolatry; the Midianites were accused of convincing the Israelites to worship their gods. Except… Cozbi, the murdered Midianite woman, wasn’t doing anything remotely religious when she was slaughtered. She just accompanied her boyfriend to meet his people. 

Numbers 27:8-9*

“If a man will die and he has no son, you shall cause his inheritance to pass over to his daughter. If he has no daughter, you shall give his inheritance to his brothers.”

One teeny-tiny spot of quasi-justice in an unjust system. As Moses distributed each family’s land allotment, four daughters of a deceased patriarch lodged a complaint that they shouldn’t be excluded from inheritance just because their father had no sons. Moses obliged.

These four daughters did nothing wrong; they were just trying to survive. After all, they were stuck in the wilderness with a megalomaniacal mass murderer. 

Their trajectory demonstrates the three paths open to people who are oppressed by a system. The first, as we’ve seen from the mutinies strewn throughout this book, is outright rebellion. Coups, revolutions, etc. Obviously, in the case of the Israelites, we saw how well rebellion worked out; thousands died in the desert because they dared question Moses’ rule. 

The other option is to get as much as possible out of the system for your personal gain. If you can’t beat ‘em, at least get what you need from ‘em. (The third option, of course, is to join ‘em.) 

Unfortunately, modern times still haven’t progressed past these three options. The Bangladeshi government rounded up, tear-gassed, and imprisoned thousands of protestors because they objected to cronyism. 

The second category includes plaintiffs in class action lawsuits who have to accept no-fault settlements for mass poisonings and cancer outbreaks because, well, they know they’ll never get anything better. Norfolk Southern gets to keep operating trains no matter how many people in East Palestine get autoimmune diseases. 

In the third category, you have the first queer Black Press Secretary of the United States, Karine Jean-Pierre, spouting apologetics for a mass genocide. 

Numbers 27: 12-14*

“Hashem said to Moses, ‘Go up to this mountain of Abarim and see the Land that I have given to the Children of Israel. You shall see it and you shall be gathered unto your people, you, too, as Aaron your brother was gathered in; because you rebelled against My word in the Wilderness of Zin, in the assembly’s strife, to sanctify Me at the water before their eyes.” 

You’d be well within your rights to have no idea what the Torah is talking about in this passage, because Moses’ infraction that merited his death penalty was miniscule enough that it’d be weirder if you did remember it.  

As a refresher: the people complained about a lack of water. God told Moses to strike a rock to give them water, but when push came to shove, Moses spoke words while striking the rock. God saw this as a deficit of faith and prohibited Moses from entering the Land. 

I believe Moses realized he was sick and dying for some unrelated reason. He couldn’t die a natural death - God forbid! Then, people would realize God hadn’t forestalled His servant’s death, and they’d lose faith in Moses’ project. 

Instead, Moses admitted to sin. I’m no Moses fan, but this was a stroke of political genius. It covered up a natural death and gave legitimacy to Moses’ massacres. It basically said, “See, God isn’t playing favorites - I can be punished, too!” thereby diminishing the potential for people to say, “Wait, maybe you’re just killing us because you want to kill us.” 

Numbers 27: 16-18*

“‘May Hashem, God of the spirits of all flesh, appoint a man over the assembly, who shall go out before them and come in before them, who shall take them out and bring them in; and let the assembly of Hashem not be like sheep that have no shepherd.’

Hashem said to Moses, ‘Take to yourself Joshua son of Nun, a man in whom there is spirit, and lean your hand upon him.’” 

Human culture has such universal contempt for the lackey. No matter our political, religious, or social beliefs, we all have an innate disrespect for the boot-licker. This is hilarious, because, throughout history, the number-one best way to secure yourself a position of power has been to go the lackey route. 

Jamie Dimon used to be my go-to example of this phenomenon; he got to his position as CEO of JP Morgan Chase by being the previous CEO’s longtime right-hand man (or: servant.) His example has now been blown out of the water by the flabbergasting persona of JD Vance, who went from Trump critic with a liberal-activist wife to a slavering sycophant within four short years. 

The most interesting part about lackeys is how, by virtue of their role, they prove their worth to their overlord by adopting even more extreme views than their overlord possesses. Once the lackey assumes power, they must perpetuate those views, thus continuing our society’s inexorable march toward extremes.

*Again with the Extremely Clear Citation so I don’t get in trouble: Nosson Scherman, Hersh Goldwurm, Avie Gold, & Meir Zlotowitz. (2015). The Chumash : the Torah, Haftaros and Five Megillos. Mesorah Publications, Ltd.